July 24, 2023 01:08

The other night my mom told me she thought I left home too young. I met a guy online when I was 19 and he was 24. He was not the most attractive person nor did he have a job but he had a degree, was patient and is still the most intelligent person I have ever met. A few years later, he moved to a new city and I followed shortly after graduating university.

I have been in this arrangement ever since. I talked to a few guys in high school but never "dated" anyone until I met this guy online. In university, I met a few guys but at the time felt they were too short because they were 2 or 3 inches taller than me. Besides, I had already committed myself to someone I met online. You see, he is the smartest person I have met in my life. But he's a nihilist.

After I got my first job, life became more difficult. I spent long hours commuting, only to come home to do chores and spend time exercising due to my sedentary job. None of it stopped me from becoming overweight but I may be obese were it not for the extra effort. I was a leech who didn't pay rent so I told him I would take care of the house and I did until it burned me out so I stopped cooking elaborate meals.

The moments before I hurt myself I feel great emotional pain. Sometimes it is anger, sometimes it is helplessness and sorrow. In the few seconds after, I feel a wonderful mental clarity. It is cliche but it literally feels like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I have not been feeling very well the last few weeks. I wrote about him today because he is the only person around me. I don't have friends and my family is not close. It has been almost a year since we have been close romantically. I don't even want to write about the sexual dysfunction. But I desperately need his constant attention because there is no one else and I am smothering him. I used to have a list of things I thought I would like to do but I don't care to pursue any of them. What is the point? I have never pursued anything worthwhile for an extended period of time. I feel like I'm pressing fast forward on a VHS player. Anyway all of this is to say, that I think I have been lonely for a while and adopting my partner's nihilistic mindset has put me in an impossible situation. I have become a fat, weekend binge drinking piece of shit over the last years. I am abusive and I pissed myself the other week.

I sound insufferable. It is as if I cause this pain on purpose. I don't allow myself to enjoy anything. I know I can change this situation but it will take a lot of effort.

July 22, 2023 06:36

"Fix your eyes to mine, talk and get lost inside, I want you to lose your mind staring at me sunshine" It is not going to happen, I'm a broken record. I first heard this song when the soles of my feet were about 16 years. We are deep in. I found this Flickr account with cute women and festishists. Let's not talk of work, I'm a good cuck. I want to move away. "Where's the love you promised me? Where is it?"

Does anyone remember a vore fanfic where your wife's bull eats her as you (male) get fucked in the ass (maybe while you fuck your wife) and hear her talking to you in his gut? Or that story where you stuff trash up your asshole/vagina and harvest maggots?

I'm not happy.

June 25, 2023 06:59

June 19, 2023 00:27

I spent the first half of this month at my family home. My parents have cable television and I came across the MTV Classic channel that was playing a program called Metal Mayhem. This is one of those shows were you see music videos interspersed with commercials every 2 or 3 songs. I did not like the music being played and I started fidgeting with the controller to see if we see if we could fast forward the program. There was no option to fast forward and I realized that I was being impatient, almost frantic and quite honestly not even thinking. I was applying the same expectations and behavior I use on the computer and phone to the television.

My brother was in the room and I asked if he remembered watching these types of programs in the early 2000s. My mom used to turn these programs on for us in the early morning as she got us ready for school. My brother recalled the general excitement we got from waiting for our favorite TV programming each week. I was reminded of my younger self and how I looked forward to any anime programming on television. Saturday was the big day with Cartoon Network's Toonami/Adult Swim, Naruto in the evening and staying up late to watch anime on Adult Swim Wolf's Rain, Cowboy Bebop, Full Metal Alchemist, Inuyasha, Trinity Blood, Ghost in the Shell S.A.C. 2nd Gig, Neon Genesis Evangelion. On other days we would have Speed Grapher and Basilisk on IFC, Noein on SciFi, Fruits Basket, Kodacha and Slayers on Colours TV, Ergo Proxy and Tenjho Tenge on Fuse. I tried watching any anime that was being aired on television even if I could not follow the story.

Around this time, we had dial up internet and downloading videos took hours so television was the next option. Once I got permission from my parents to hog the phoneline so I could download episode 101 of Naruto. It took about 8 hours to complete and I watched it two times in a row. Episode 101 is when team 7 tries to see Kakashi's face. Kakashi Hatake was one of my first anime crushes and possibly the most intense. I remember crying with joy when my mom helped me print a colored picture of Kakashi for my school binder. I am still fond of characters with white/silver hair. I am also reminded of my first MP3 player, it was a small pink plastic rectangle without a screen and I had filled it with weeb and emo music I downloaded using Limewire. This would have been probably been a few years later when we moved away from dial up internet. These are pleaseant memories and I wish I could feel the same passion for anything these days.

Coming back to our present time, I started wondering if our expectations around on-demand content has led us into enjoying life less. Behaviors like skipping through content whether music, video or text, preferring shorter videos or novellas, spending large amounts of time browsing a large catalog of content over choosing a single item to start with, cancel culture and the overuse of the words toxic and narcissist. Are we all aware of our fleeting time and actively choosing how to best spend every minute of it? Or is it possible that we have internalized a behavior where if we don't like what we are perceiving we can simply shut it down. I think this can lead to a general inability to focus and perhaps this a strech but an inability to cope with life.

A few weeks ago I listened to a podcast from the handsome Dr. Andrew Huberman about dopamine and motivation. The topic interests me because I have personal issues with smoking and drinking and I find it very difficult to stop my behaviors even when they cause me harm and ongoing shame. Most of the conversation was centered around drug use since drugs cause large surges of dopamine to be released. However, over the last years we have heard more about smaller but more frequent dopamine releases from activities like playing video games and using social media. Last week, I heard of this report from the U.S. surgeron general office on the effects of social media on youth. I was drawn to the pieces on addictive behavior, potential changes in brain structure and the correleation between ADHD diagnosis and social media use in young people. It reminded me of an article I read regarding similar effects on the brain from nicotine use in adolescents. Little of this information is new and I feel there has been a huge lag in getting this information to the general public including young people. It has been years since we heard about video game companies intentionally designing games to be addictive for profit. The report is not all negative and there are many benefits to the internet.

Personally, I have noticed my ability to focus, think and feel pleasure has greatly diminished over the last years. I believe workplace chat apps like Slack and Teams have negatively effected my ability to focus. I had normalized frequent interruptions and multi tasking. I recently changed the default notification settings so I can have more control over my time and feel less stressed. I like to believe that my inability to enjoy activities is related to my habitual binge drinking and low self-esteem. I think that abstaining from alcohol, working on my self-esteem and making more social connections can help me.

On a more recent note, I blacked out for about 5 hours this past Friday. I regained awareness at around 5 in the morning as I was shoving my finger down my throat and vomiting in the bathroom sink. My partner was telling me we should break up if I'm unhappy in the relationship. Apparently, I had woken him up by pulling down his shorts so I could see what country his shorts were manafactured in. According to him, I'd gone through bouts of dancing and crying and even fell while I was talking. On my computer I had the usual WikiHow webpage open on how to deal with a hangover and I had to look over any program I could use to communicate to make sure I had not sent any messages. I spent a few hours the next morning cleaning the house so my partner could forgive my behavior. This is the kind of sad clown I have become over the last few years. However, I have been making some positive changes the last couple of weeks including being more consistent with my studying and exercise routine. I am also questioning and trying to come to terms with some of the things that make me feel insecure like my upbringing and femininity.

May 25, 2023 04:08

I got a subconjunctival hemorrhage (broken eye blood vessel) and it looks pretty badass. The outside of my eye is blood red and I feel it reflects the 13 year old inside me. I feel like an edgy anime character and I'm ready to have blood tear out of my eye like an Uchiha. See my pain!

I have been feeling stressed the last few days. Our family pet is ill and I am afraid that she does not have much not longer to live. She is about 15 years old. There has been a lot of uncertainty at work and there is the unending chaos of my family's life. I talked with my partner about my family situation and he said something about my parents repeatedly making poor decisions. It really hurts to hear but there is some truth to that. Nonetheless, I wish he could be a little more empathetic. There is a bitterness in me and I feel he will never truly understand me because we grew up in two very different households. 11 years ago we bonded in our hatred. That hatred had different origins.

The effects of poverty are complex. On one side you can develop great resilience. On the other, everything can pile up and cause a lot of stress and emotional issues that are repressed but show as a "short temper" or laziness. Depending on the household, privacy and quiet time can be luxuries. I read recently that noise levels in low-income neighborhoods (global) are often higher. For a lot of people noise can effect their ability to concentrate which can have other outcomes (studying, relaxation, etc.). When I first started chatting with my partner he used to complain about the beeping sound of our dying fire alarm. I lived with this sound for weeks and slept through it...I didn't even hear it. You don't see these things if it is all you have ever known.

I have seen a few posts on the internet where people discuss remote work. I benefit from this arrangement. I hate office politics, I save myself around 10 hours of commute time per week, I can use my own bathroom and I can focus. That said, not every job position nor anyone is well-suited for remote work. Some people can take hours to reply to messages and others don't want to pay for child care but want full-time income while simultaneously taking care of their kids. There needs to be honest conversations around expectations and if we want to allow for large lapses in communication then whatever system is in place needs to account for that. We also need to intentionally dedicate time to socialize and mentor one another.

I want to move out of the city suburbs and closer to my family but that means less job opportunity. I don't want to pay half of my salary to live in an apartment downtown where I don't feel safe walking outside and I don't want to live in a noisy suburb where I have to commute 2 hours every day. I find it odd that we are expected to in a way "abandon" our families to work. Some people think that staying close to your family means you don't "grow up". I can't make a decision at this time but being financially secure is important to me.

On an unrelated note, I went on a book shopping spree and bought around 6 books including a gardening one. I also bought the new Theatrhythm for the Switch since it was on sale.

This feels very personal so I may delete/edit some of it out later.

May 20, 2023 05:56

The last month has been very eventful. I had the opportunity to see one of the U.S. largest cities and I got to socialize with a transexual person for the first time in a long time.

I stayed in a hotel in a downtown area and putting the walkable cities meme aside, it felt great having close access to nature, restaurants, shopping, etc. It is a good way to stay connected and in shape with little effort. The streets were relatively clean and there was not too many homeless people. Homeless people make me uncomfortable. Most of them are quiet, some clearly have schizophrenia and others are under the influence. I feel terrorized by their presence and I don't understand why the city doesn't do more to get these people off the street. Instead you are suppossed to walk past these people and pretend they don't exist which feels unnatural.

I learned recently that the world now has 8 billion people. I came across an old textbook at my parent's home from 2009 where they wrote the world had 6 billion. This felt a little scary.

I saw Mexican cartel webm recently and although I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, it did not do much else. Am I dead inside? Don't ever look up this garbage.

I met a transexual person recently and had so much fun! Talking to them was really refreshing...dare I say...freeing? They reminded me that I don't need to be anything other than what I want to be...what a beautiful feeling! Are you inspired? I am.

I still feel the healing scars from a couple of months ago splitting apart on my upper thigh when I sit in certain positions.

The other night I felt very angry because although we desire change, we find it so hard to change. I think I have been overthinking things. What is the best way to retain information?

April 15, 2023 14:50

I am sober now. I was able to hold my alcohol well last night by slowing down and having some food in between drinks. I consumed a massive amount of calories and had a whole pint of lavender flavored ice cream. The ice cream was suprisingly good.

This past week I started reading a book on "emotional intelligence" or EQ. The book states that unlike IQ and personality, EQ can change with deliberate practice. There are four skills to EQ 1) self-awareness, 2) self-management, 3) social awareness and 4) relationship management. I decided to learn more about this subject because I have difficulty identifiying and managing my emotions and the information is relatively easy to process. According to the book over half of people struggle to identify and manage their emotions. Lower EQ is tied to poorer health and professional outcomes. One of the things I found interesting was the claim that individuals in "hard" professions did not have lower EQ than other professions with the exception of customer-oriented jobs. Overall, unemployed indidivuals had lower EQ than employed individuals. This claim lines up with my personal experience: the more isolated I am the more animal I begin to feel. The other night I got into an arguement and threw an orange accross the room. I was able to calm myself down in a couple of minutes but I still need to clean the floor. One of the skills in the book for relationship management is learning to listen and asking others questions. I tried this at work and had good outcomes. I felt motivated after reading the part about neuroplasticity and discipline. I plan to continue learning more about this subject and practicing these skills.

Last night I mentioned wanting to pursue graduate studies. Part of it is a desire to relive my youth, that a credential will take away my insecurities and that the lecture format, social setting and paying will give me the discipline and motivation to continue learning. I would prefer to take in-person classes but I cannot stop working to do so. I do not need a graduate degree to continue progressing in my career so a lot of this would be for "fun". The alternative is to self-learn but I have a hard time motivating myself to do so. There are tons of online resources and it is easy to lose focus. I could attempt to model something after a graduate program.

I also mentioned growing up a poorfag. That experience has shaped the way I made decisions then and now. A lot of our behaviors and thoughts are done without thinking. Poverty has a strong effect on that. It is painful to hear my mother hesistantly purchase the non-generic version of something. But things are slowly changing and I am proud to provide some financial security to my family. When I was young it was important to me to become independent as soon as possible so that I would not be a financial burden to my family. Part of that was leeching off my partner but that is a story for another time.

I chuckled when I read this on Wikipedia and found it a good reminder to start doing and stop wallowing: "C. S. Lewis, in The Screwtape Letters (1941), bracketed Childe Harold and Young Werther as Romantic types "submerged in self-pity for imaginary distresses" for whom "five minutes' genuine toothache would reveal [their] romantic sorrows for the nonsense they were"."

My emotions have stabilized and I have been leaning into the lower end. I feel I am unqualified for my job and when I look into the mirror I see myself get older. I said I wouldn't hurt myself but I think of the pencil sharperners and shaving razors around the house where I can pop out the blades. I am afraid of pocket and kitchen knives. Hurting myself is a short lived thought.

I recently met my last professional and financial goals. I want to set new goals for the next couple of years. I have been entertaining the thought of pursuing graduate studies but it has been almost 10 years since my undergraduate and I am not confident I can pull it off while working full-time. I would like to visit Iceland and Japan.

I don't think I can ever shed my poorfag upbringing. I have always felt out of place even among other poorfags.

I started listening to internet radio again and it makes me feel like I am socializing.

Listening to Yoko Kanno - Birden.

April 6, 2023 01:49

My body is in the process of producing an egg so I have felt very chipper and slutty. I have been listening to this Simply Red Greatest Hits album on repeat for two days. It has several cheesy love songs, my favorites are Sunrise, Say You Love Me and Fairground. I have been imagining a beautiful deep romance filled with passionate sex. I am bitter about my real sex life. I have been with my partner for almost 11 years. I lost my virginity and wasted my 20s on a fat fuck that had the audacity to tell me that he has seen me naked too many times. He has apologized to me since then but I will never forget. Sometimes I imagine that I have a second job as an escort. I don't need the money...this would be for fun. I imagine I would meet interesting characters. We would have deep conversations, romantic dinners and therapeutic sex.

Walmart has an aisle with books and hidden away you may find novels written for women. The book covers feature men with bodies like Greek statues. Personally, I like faceless men. It would be nice to live in a society where men always wear full-body tactical clothing/armor. I have not felt brave enough to pick up one of these books in store but they must exist because of women like me.

Ugh I think this happens in a lot of long-term relationships. It's frustrating. My reproductive capabilities are starting to taper off and I have barely had sex. I'm worried about my sex drive disappearing, it brings me so much pleasure and drive.

April 3, 2023 03:32

I have been unhappy with my site's design for a long time so I decided to spend a couple of hours this morning cleaning things up. I wanted the site to be easy to read and traverse. I find Christian religous art beautiful. I chose to place Mary on the side because of the Madonna-whore complex which plays some role in my life.

I have been playing Zoo Tycoon Complete Collection. I prefer freeform play so I can focus on building rather than the game aspect. Yesterday, I placed several bathrooms in the front my zoo so I could model a real life zoo and noticed that they went largely unused. It then occurred to me! My guests don't need to use the restroom when they enter the park! They need restrooms deeper in the park. I also noticed after placing some restaurants side-by-side, that one restaurant was not profitable because I did not have similar foot traffic coming from both directions. Guests would come in from the populated area of the park, hit the first restaurant and move on. After replacing the second restaurant with a movie theatre, I saw some income coming in. I don't think I ever noticed these things growing up. Lastly, I want to complain about the fucking lowland gorillas that I spent thousands on and were still miserable. It said they wanted a mate even though I had at least 1:1 male to female ratio. I had a harem before that and the female gorillas complained. I sold them and replaced them with bengal tigers.

I bought Harvestella for the Switch since I liked the demo and appears to be casual friendly. I am replaying the content in the demo so I don't have much to say except the music and world design are nice. I know people were disappointed with the character customization...it is lacking and both men and women have huge hips.

That is probably enough game talk but I also have a story brewing in The Sims 2 where I am poor and was forced to become a lesbian after being turned down by all the old white haired men in my block. I think I became the street's whore because some guy showed up one day and asked me on a date. The date went very well and we fucked on my cheap bed afterward. I'm now having sex with 2 men and 1 women but none of them are the old white haired fucks I want slapping their old testicles against my young Sims' clitoris.

We went out to a small cafe today where you can peer out and passersby can't see you. I sometimes like looking at people and their dogs but today it made my mood sink so we left quickly. I think I felt envious that some people appeared carefree.

March 30, 2023 04:52

I feel better today. I also feel very cozy in my Christmas robe. I'll be sharing an incident that occurred last night. I hope this is the end or the beginning of the end for that chapter in my life.

I was not feeling very well last night. I had watched this stupid self-help video on YT and was incredibly triggered by the idea of acceptance. I had a shit show reaction to it and towards the end I came to the conclusion that I was a mirror. Most of it was non-sensical, loopy and I didn't want to take responsibility for myself. My poor partner stayed up late and listening to this nonsense. As he was beginning to fall asleep he mentioned something about taking action and I lost my shit. I hit myself on the side of the head and yelled "I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING!". I got up from bed, made a growling hissing noise, locked myself in the bathroom and started cutting into my upper thigh. This all happened in what felt like less than 30 seconds. Some of the cuts split my skin a couple of millimeters apart and the blood was dripping down my thigh faster than I had intended it to. I hurriedly opened the door and asked for gauze and medical tape. My past experience has been that cutting makes me feel a sudden sense of calm and relief but my hands were shaking, my teeth were chattering, I was lightheaded and nauseated with fear. I quickly cleaned the area with alcohol, applied some first-aid ointment and bandaged myself up. I didn't feel the alcohol, there was a sinking feeling in my throat. I wanted this to stop. What if I don't stop bleeding? Will they take me away? What would my parents think? I threw away the razor blades into the trash.

It was almost 3 and I had a hard time falling asleep. I felt scared, regretful and lightheaded. I pulled my partner's hand into my chest and told him I was sorry. I apologized to my parents too. He said I must promise that I'll text 741741 next time. Apparently, this is a crisis hotline.

Today was a better day. I read and saw funny things that made me laugh like the word "trannifesto" and a webm of an obese man doing flips on a trampoline. My partner has been very attentive to me today but I can tell he's a bit traumatized. He started playing WoW again recently and had been rather distant up until today.

I started cutting when I was 13 and using drugs when I was 16. I'm trying to cut binge drinking and cigarettes again. I think I am only starting to learn how to deal with unpleasant feelings and stress.

March 29, 2023 05:49

I'm immature. I want to wallow in self-pity. I want to believe that my resistance was worthwhile.

I couldn't accept life. I feel myself changing.

This change feels like giving up. My small hope was silly. No one will come.

March 27, 2023 04:55

My low self-esteem has been bothering me. Everyone looks so well put together. I don't have any hobbies or interests. I don't have friends. I feel I'm forgetting how to speak, write and do my job. I'm ashamed of myself. I don't want anyone to see me or hear me. I know I am the cause of all this. I know I shouldn't give up so easily when I fail the first time. I know I should make more of an effort to make new connections or reach out to old classmates.

I feel like I'm 13. At least then, I was into my weeaboo/emo phase and had a best friend.