October 11, 2022 03:41

It was my period. I can usually hold myself together. My feelings and tears were real but even I feel dismissive of myself. We've been through this many times.

Yesterday I felt motivated to go out for something other than groceries so I pressed blush unto my cheeks, applied lip balm and set out to the clothing store. I find a long linen tank dress and buy it. In public I wear clothes that cover my back and the top of my arms but I make an exception. I'm in heat and walk with my spine more erect than usual. Will a handsome man approach me? There's no men in the women's clothing store.

Today I feel I have interests. I see an e-mail from Goodreads with a list of book recommendations for October. Dracula catches my eye so I borrow an e-book from the city library and read about a quarter of the book. I remember I started DDLC on Steam about a month ago and decide to continue. The game was short but unexpected and fun. I decide to re-start to play through a different route. I've had four sexual fantasies over the last two days that I enjoy replaying in my head. I want a cartoonishly masculine man to take care of me and our children. I'll be one of his children too.

This is uncharacteristic of me and although I enjoy feeling dainty, this is comical.

October 6, 2022 00:00

I'm fucking rekt. You can see parts of my scalp when I tie my hair and the white hairs on my head continue to multiply. My back hurts and I have a yeast infection under my breasts. I've made no progress in my fitness goals and actually got worse since I stopped doing cardio a couple of weeks ago. I continue to binge drink on the weekend, smoke close to a pack a day and eat like a fat fuck. My aunt's dog got runover by a school bus and my mom has been having dizzy spells. I hate people. From the bottom of my heart, I really really do. I don't trust anyone. People are opportunistic, deceitful, self-serving and they take advantage of stupid idots like me. I cut out most people from my life. I didn't want to go through this again. It is so difficult for me to understand. I really believed that everyone strived to be honest, modest, hard-working and helpful. I'm such a stupid fool, why did I take it all so seriously?


September 18, 2022 06:50

The last few weeks at work have been tough. I was reminded of a time in high school when the school counselor advised my mom that I see a therapist. I was smoking weed and experimenting with other drugs. I had self-inflected bruises on my arms from punching and pinching. I had visible cuts in my hands and neck. I bet I looked like a wreck with my scene hair cut. What was bothering me the most? I could not understand why people said one thing and did another. I couldn't understand why my popular "friends" would complain for hours about how they had multiple boys interested in them and didn't know what to do. It was such shit. It filled me with so much hatred. The conversation was always about them and their stupid made up problems. The best part of befriending stoners was that we were genuinely just enjoying being high, listening to a piece of music, watching anime or lying down in the trampoline and looking at the clouds. A few years later, one of those drug taking friends disrespected me a few times and I decided I was done. What I really wanted to do was get high, I didn't give a shit about these people. (Is it a coincidence that the people I'm referring to are all fucking cunts?)

I enjoy the work I do but I have to be fake in my interactions with people. The more I get to know someone the more I find to dislike. I wonder if I'll meet someone so honest, aware of their absolute hypocrisy and forever sorry.

August 23, 2022 05:11

Today is my 100th day of no smoking. I've passed on 1500 cigarettes. Today also happened to be the day I caved into a craving and drove over to the gas station for a pack of American Spirit cigarettes. I fell for the additive-free meme but would have preferred a pack of Marlboro Red shorts or 100s. Maybe I should have given Winston cigarettes a try. Going to the gas station was one of my least favorite things about smoking. It was always a drag and there's usually a homeless guy eye raping you and some fuck holding up the line to buy lottery tickets. I like the gas station when I'm buzzed and there's other buzzed people. I have questions for the people at the gas station buying snacks instead of alcohol at 1 in the morning. I imagine it's scary to work the night shift at the gas station. I smoked one cigarette today. The whole ordeal was kind of silly and I feel a bit stupid for doing it. It wasn't very pleasurable (a drink/coffee would have helped) and I was bored web browsing on my phone. At this time, I have no intent to pick up smoking again.

In other news, GW2 has been added to Steam! I'm really hoping this brings new players and we see the community change. The game is pozzed. (Presidentrump was forced to change their name!) I have been enjoying my time in Ascalon these last couple of days since it makes me feel like it's already autumn. Grothmar Valley is one of my favorite newer maps. I hope new players stick around! It will make the end of year festivals fun!

August 19, 2022 02:21

This past weekend when drinking I acted out and punched myself on the side of my face. It was nothing serious but I left myself with a small raised bruise on my cheek and redness on the side of my eye. The reason? I was irritated when I playfully scratched my boyfriend and he said "Owww". I can't justify my behavior but I felt hurt by his response. I felt he was being overly sensitive and making me out to be a bad person. With everyone I've ever met, when I talk about myself, I begin to feel shame. I am ashamed of myself. I say I want to be alone. I only serve myself. I don't want to be inconvinienced. I wasn't always like this. I traded one problem for another. But I think it's better to deal with myself than to deal with other people.

August 13, 2022 08:05

I got memed into buying this Samuel Adams Jack-o Pumpkin Ale and it taste like absolute ass. I've never tasted ass but it taste like a liquid pumpkin pie...pretty sure this is an artificial flavor. I like pumpkin spice with coffee but this is disgusting.

I feel I'm giving the vibe of a goody two shoes at work. I'm worried I'm not flowing with the team but I'm putting in the hours I'm paid for.

I've been psyoped. I have abusive tendencies and these webms of pegging guys resonate with me. Office/"professional" men around my age come off as man children...I wish I could meet a man who could make me feel as safe as I feel around my father.


I need to stop drinking. It appears I've been blacking out for brief moments in recent weeks. I cannot believe others when they have memories I don't. Are they lying to me? For me, binge drinking almost always results in a morning diarreah. A personal rule is that I can only drink alone or around my partner. I have poor self-control and fear I'll find it easy to offend or come on to anyone. It's been almost 3 years since I started this habit and I've gained 15 pounds. The whole blacking out thing is recent but I'm afraid I'll do something that will ruin other aspects of my life. I still have some fancy Japanese beer in the fridge that I need to drink but aferwards...I need to stop dedicating my weekend to alcohol. I should be actively trying to resolve the things I'm dissatisfied with instead of coping in this self-destructive way.

August 9, 2022 05:26

Today I saw something that will leave an imprint on my mind. There are a few things I've seen on the internet that I never forget...I don't think we are supposed to.

Today I learned my cousin's friend committed sudoku. They said he was super cucked and let his "wife" bring her lover into their home. It's hard to imagine being such a doormat.

Today it hurt to see my brother get another year older.

Brother, our ships have sailed.

August 6, 2022 03:25

I've been thinking about two things recently, 1) Why am I such a cunt? and 2) Did I waste my youth by choosing to be loyal? I feel a little embarrassed when I mention I've been in a relationship for 10 years. I'm not sure I want to marry this guy. It makes me want to cry. This guy was the first "educated" person I met in my life and even though he was a NEET when we met, I believed in his potential. He's honest, kind, loyal and funny. He's good with his finances and was able to buy a house a few years ago. I imagine it sounds comical that I refuse to marry this man. He's no Guts, he was 300 lbs when we met and you bet I wanted to stop our relationship right then but I knew what it was like to be the person no one is attracted to so I chose not to see it (eventually he lost 70 lbs when we moved in together). There's a few other things I feel embarrassed about. I guess what I want to justify to myself is that it's okay that I want to meet other men. I started talking to this guy when I was 18. I was a kiss slut in high school (I was under the influence 16/17 times and the other kiss was my first and forced) but I never got to go on a date...a date like in the movies. I literally seethe when I see a man wearing a ring. I feel it's easier to marry as a man...their standards are kind of low...Maybe I need to make friends instead.

Unrelated but one of the benefits of having a private workout space at home is getting to hump the floor during your post-workout strech. I didn't find anything reliable but it seems there's a few reasons why people may feel sexually aroused after intense exercise.

July 31, 2022 03:59

Today I had my third encounter with an aspie. He asked me "Mam what movie are you watching today?" I told him "Nope." and he proceeded to tell about Thor and how it was a goofy movie. I told him I had never seen a Thor movie but he didn't listen and told me about the Guns n Roses music they used and how the trailer was playing in the TV screen in back of me. I don't think he looked at me in the eyes. I appear to attract aspies, obese men and one Indian man. They are the only brave men to talk to me. I think there is something about my appearance that makes me approachable. Perhaps, it is because I have the appearance of a fat female neck beard. One time in university I helped a guy with cerebral palsy in a wheelchair. It is really hot here and I could tell he was struggling so I offered to take him to whatever building he needed. I took him the mathematics building breakroom where he asked for my number and asked if I could help feed him. My interactions with aspergers people has been listening to their interests. They don't comment on anything I have to say. These have been interesting experiences but also confirmations of a cruel world.

July 27, 2022 18:20

NPR is a fucking shame. In a recent article meant to educate the public about monkeypox they completely omitted the fact that the disease is being predominantly spread by gay and bisexual men. COMPLETE FUCKING OMISSION! It's abhorrent that they have put their politics over general public safety. Absolutely disgusting. I feel disgusted knowing that tax-payer dollars go into funding this utter garbage.

July 25, 2022 03:15

I was scrolling through the comments of a cardio kickboxing video on YT and noticed people described the workout as relieving their aggression/stress and making them feel pumped/relaxed. I wonder if this type of exercise along with other fighting styles resonate with a primal part of our being that make us feel at ease. Along similar lines, today I learned about a correlation between promiscuity and parasites. It is my personal belief that a lot of human behavior is outside our control so it was interesting to read that parasites in our body may influence our behavior for their reproduction!

July 24, 2022 00:04




So I watched Get Out last night as prep for Nope and it's a 5/10 at best. Do people feel forced to say its better than it is because of the racial issues in the movie? Like are you a racist if you think this is a bad movie? What's the moral here? Black pride, don't fuck white girls? Guy even took a shameless jab at Asian people and implied they are whitewashed. Whatever, I'm still going to see Nope when I get a chance. I believe Get Out was the guy's first movie so let's give him a break. What is a bit insulting...perhaps it was a bad year for film...is that the guy won an Academy Award for this. I'm sorry but this movie is not anywhere near award level...it feels amateur, made for TV. Sad about declining standards of quality for everything but this is straight out white guilt and tokenism. It's fucking patronizing.

July 23, 2022 23:15


There's this fucking book called milk and honey by Rupi Kaur that I became aware of a couple of years ago. I was drawn to the cover because it has this kind of soft aesthetic (everything I cannot be). I had even considered BUYING THE BOOK. A few years ago, I went to Barnes and Noble and opened the piece of shit to find the worst "poems" I've ever seen in my life. I became incredibly enraged then and I AM NOW!!!!!! (YOU CAN"T BELIEVE THE WAY MY KEYBOARD SOUNDS RIGHT NOW!!!!!!) THIS FUCKING CUNT IS MAKING MONEY!!!!! I was on GoodReads and saw her books have 4 stars and people unironically think it's good. I feel she was blown up because she's female, young and a minority (but like a world majority) talking about GETTING PUMPED AND DUMPED. I FUCKING HATE MODERN ART!!!!!!!

I'VE BEEN IN A BAD FUCKING MOOD ALL DAY!!!!! I fucking blacked out for a brief period last night. I woke up this morning with no memory of how I tucked myself cozily into bed. I was still buzzed and pumped up in the morning. The buzz is gone now and all I have IS FUCKING RAGE!!!

July 20, 2022 03:29

Today I realized how much of an impression my early work experience had on me. My thoughts on how to deal with current work situations comes from these early experiences where I was scared of losing my job. I judge others based on how I would have handled an incident. I don't think favorably of the places that helped me start my career. Things have changed a lot since then and I guess what I'm saying is that it makes no sense for me to continue to carry those same feelings and thoughts. I should probably relax, get over my fear and stop being a machine.

On a different topic, after 6 weeks it seems I have finally stopped bleeding. I don't want to see a doctor. I think they will prescribe me some form of birth control. I wonder if people taking birth control have raw sex and get inseminated reguarly. I've read about half of pregnancies in the US are accidents. What happens after insemination? Does cum get on the bed or do women awkwardly make their way to bathroom to dump it on the toilet? Do you keep a roll of toilet paper at your side and dab your cunt? Do you make your partner clean you off? Do people have a preference? Maybe this is why some people buy those flushable wipes at the store. I don't think I've heard these kind of details from a friend but I wouldn't want to weird them out.



One time we got this lawn weed killer. The weeds did die but they didn't disappear. The lawn was covered in crunchy brown patches. I expected the product would disintegrate the weeds.

July 16, 2022 06:22

I tend to assume other people are more moral/ethical than I am. Would you choke someone you think highly about? I can. I did. I'm garbage. I'm an abuser. I'm what people call "toxic". I can praise someone highly, hold them and their abilities in high regards and easily berate them. It's not out of jealousy or envy but frustration with their deficiencies. I'm aware...I hope I can get better at this...it makes little sense.

July 12, 2022 03:06

Today I remembered Crywank. I wonder if people still listen to Crywank (I don't). Playing it now reminds me of my first couple of years in college. I think this is what it means to feel nostalgic. I had an unusual experience an hour ago. I bought my first sex toy a few months ago during an attempt to quit smoking. I have used the latte colored vibrating cock only a handful of times since I've bought it. I was having an enjoyable time pretending I was having sex with a fit (ottermode) man and then I felt a strange sinking/expanding sensation below my stomach and ugly cried. I didn't orgasm and I felt confused. I have no reason to cry and my perception/outlook has been more positive than usual. I hope this happens to me while having sex with a person...it would be a very special tender embarrassing time. This is how I remembered Crywank.

July 2, 2022 6:03

It is only during a drunken spell that tasting your own piss comes to mind. I've heard of people drinking their own piss when there is no water to drink. But a morning piss has a strong smell and a dark color. Perhaps, we should become more open to idea of drinking our own piss before we become severely dehydrated. You know, diluting the taste with some water? After drinking a wine bottle and squatting in the shower for a piss, I decided to cup it into my hand with a bit of water and dip my tongue...my report is it only taste a little heavier than water.

June 25, 2022 6:04

I wish I was better disciplined to accomplish some of the ideas I have in mind. I used to write for fun when I was younger and was praised by a few of my teachers. Then my world expanded and I realized I wasn't good but decent among the rest of my ESL peers.

There's this episode of Cowboy Bebop (ep. 18, Speak Like A Child) where Spike and Jet go to a store where the owner has a bunch of what look like VHS players (they may not be) and I thought to myself in the future there will be people who need to play a CD/DVD and don't have one on their computer. I have a few discs I may want to use in the future so I've been thinking of buying an external CD/DVD drive and I figured when everything goes to shit I could be that person who people pay to play their discs like the shopkeeper in the episode. They can put their CD in my CD drive...isn't this lewd? So then I thought I could write a story about how I would post this on Craiglist but it was actually a covert ad for prostitution. That's my fiction.

June 24, 2022 05:18

I came across a bug today that I thought would be a good exercise for people learning JavaScript and DOM manipulation. What would be the output for the JavaScript code below?

// Assume you have a single HTML element
// <p id="foo">foo</p>
const x = document.getElementById('foo');
console.log(document.getElementById('foo') == x);

x.outerHTML = '<p id="foo">bar</p>';
console.log(document.getElementById('foo') == x);


Explanation: When we change the HTML using x.outerHTML a new element with the same ID is added to the DOM. But our variable x is still holding a reference to the first HTML element which no longer appears in the DOM (but seems to exist in memory? Does it cleaned up by the garbage collector? Mystery...). The last statement checks whether the two items are referring to the same reference/instance of an object.

Storing a reference to an element that may be redrawn at a later point can cause unexpected errors. For example, if you have event handlers bound to an element that later gets redrawn (for example, via an AJAX call returning HTML), you will find that your event handlers don't work.

I came across this bug today using jQuery's replaceWith method and a variable that had been assigned a jQuery element. An AJAX call successfully redrew the DOM the first time but would not update the DOM in subsequent calls. The first redraw removed the variable's reference from the DOM so there was no element to do the subsequent replaceWith calls. Even though that particular element was no longer in the DOM, it was also not null or undefined.

// jQuery version
// <p id="foo">foo</p>
const x = $('#foo');
console.log(x.text()); // foo
console.log($('#foo').is(x)); // true

x.click(function() {
    alert("onClick"); // this event won't ever trigger after x.replaceWith

x.replaceWith('<p id="foo">bar</p>');
console.log(x.text()); // foo
console.log($('#foo').text()); // bar
console.log($('#foo').is(x)); // false

I might move this post to another page sometime as I think there is value in keeping a log of fun bugs and new things I've learned in my day to day(for example, strings, string builder and prepending!). In other news, I've been struggling with feeling inferior and I keep fucking up the use of is and are :cry:.

June 19, 2022 03:17

Today I had the chance to visit the local public university with my partner and had a decent time. On our way into the campus there was a very dramatic raven cawing (an omen) on top of a nice building. We stopped by the university's engineering building where there was a handful of students studying. I was hoping to see some student work showcased in the halls but there was nothing. I forgot a lot of students have been taking online courses. The restroom in the engineering building was very clean and the toilet had a nice powerful flush. The water in the fountain was cool.

The library was disappointing and had a poor selection of books. Some guy whom I presumed to be studying was actually watching an anime I couldn't recognize. The library had a small shelf for "popular" books some of the titles there were "White Rage", "White Fragility", The Witcher Book 3, "Bi". I feel universities have always been a political place but I imagine these times are especially so.

On the way out in a distant corner some guy had a small tripod with his phone placed on it and appeared to be recording himself. He was squatting (Slav style) in the front of the tripod. This university is smoke free.

Overall, I had a very nice time walking through the empty campus. It almost makes me want to pursue a graduate degree! I would probably have the chance to make friends, find business opportunities and meet professional men. One of my recurring sexual fantasies involves getting fucked by my professor in his office. I would step into his office in a white summer dress, quietly lock the door behind me and make my way under his desk to suck his cock. He would then bend me over his desk, stuff himself into my cunt and pound me until he finishes. He would then take a picture of his cum leaking out of my cunt and send it to another one of the professors on campus.

This was originally supposed to be a sad post about how I've been feeling kind of down and self-conscious lately but I like drinking vodka and it became a fun post!

June 11, 2022 17:13

2/3 times I've drank an IPA beer has resulted in vomiting. Yesterday's beer was so sour, I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to stomach it but drank it anyway. 5 beers (and some blue corn tortilla chips) later, I spent about half an hour moving from the bedroom to the bathroom until I finally put my finger down my throat and puked into a trash bin. I got round 2 and 3 into the bathroom sink. The damn sink is clogged so it took forever for it to go down the drain. I did a good job of cleaning up and changed out of my sleeping shorts which had a bit of reddish puke on them.

Feeling very sleepy but so nauseous you can't close your eyes is one of the worst feelings. Your body wants two things so desperately and can't have either. You go through the torture of your eyes closing and your mind fading only to be forced awake by the dizzying discomfort of nausea and a sour stomach over and over again.

June 10, 2022 6:34

Some chick at work said she had two psychiatrists and a psychologist. Seems like everyone and their mom needs mental health support. When 'mental health awareness' entered the mainstream, I thought it would be a good thing (here's why that's a good thing). Naively, I figured that people who needed help could be better understood and accepted by society. However, since human nature tends to be self-absorbed it seems it had another effect, that is your average person now thinks being conscious equals mental illness XD. So now the people who need help are still cast aside, probably feel more isolated and wait longer to get an appointment with their psychologist/psychiatrist. I believe this was all part of their plan to expand the therapy/psychiatric markets, there is many start ups in this space. It's an untapped market. There's billions of people in the world.

June 8, 2022 5:26

The healthcare system sucks. It feels icky when HR sends out that yearly e-mail letting us know its "open enrollment" time again. These e-mails have a tone as if enrolling for "benefits" is fun but remember it's limited time only, you have 2 weeks. (You reply to HR asking, Is suicide a covered cause of death in the additional life insurance policy?) After you've enrolled in your high-deductible plan, you get a cheap flexy plastic card in the mail with your name and a summary of your out of pocket costs. I hope the day I'm unconscious that they take this card out of my wallet before taking me to a hospital. Imagine you awake from your short coma...and your first question is "Is this hospital in-network?"

June 5, 2022 5:39

I'm back from spending a week at my family home. It was comforting but also saddening to see my family, pets and childhood home getting older.

I'm in heat again and on my way back I am lucky to pass by a few "oil towns". These towns are filled with men and you can feel the sexual tension all around you. It's intoxicating. I stopped by a gas station to use the restroom and there was an old man lighting a cigarette outside his truck. He was wearing sunglasses but we looked at each other. I felt weak in the knees. I wanted him to expose his hairy musky throbbing cock at me, to touch his hot, drooping, brown and purple balls. I felt like I wanted to cool him with my mouth. He would then open the back door of his pick-up truck, press me inside and pull down my pants. He would lift one of my legs and place my booted foot inside of the truck to spread my cunt and ass open. Then he would shove his hot thick cock inside me and fuck me until he cums. My cunt would spasm and milk his cock to help the semen make it's way to my cervix. Other horny men in the gas station would come up and wait for their turn to fuck my bloody cunt oozing pink bubbly cum.

I'm so fucking horny.

May 24, 2022 5:38

I was calculating how much time a wage(salary) cuck spends working.

168 hours in 7 days

56 hours for sleep (8 hours/day) => (33.3%)

40 hour work week + forced lunch in office (5) + average burger spends about an hour commuting (5) + an hour additional hour to have a coffee and wash your ass (5) => 55 hours/week => (32.7%)

That leaves you with 57 hours (34%) for yourself.

For most people, that number is a lot lower. If you live in a suburb in a big city your commute is probably closer to 2 hours. If you have a salary job, you probably find yourself working over 40 hours every other week.

Having a decent meal (not processed), taking care of your family, personal hygiene, maintaing a clean space, getting some physical activity. Your brain's best hours are usually spent serving a fucking slave driver who doesn't give a fuck about you.

It's ridiculous. Our standards of quality are so low.

Human nature is corrupt. Civilazation harborer of the weak and pitiful.

I can't tell if things have always been this way and I'm getting older or if they are getting worse. This is artificial wealth. Everyone has been duped.


I should probably add that everything I write is garbage and that I'm probably out of touch. I work at home and the two people I talk intimately with (my partner and my mother) are both doomers.

May 21, 2022 14:39

What are the motivations behind lying to complete strangers? Is it intentional? Lies about mundane things, they have no consequence.

I stop listening when someone talks too long. It's almost certainly bullshit. Can we get to the point?

Do people think about the possible offspring they may have with a partner? Does it happen subconsciously?

I feel men only find me attractive right before I menstruate. My voice changes, my breast swell. I act and look like a dog in heat.

What does the information we seek say about us?

May 11, 2022 3:58

I'm thinking about the fucking junkies who took anything of value in my dead grandparent's home and then set it on fire. About the fucking junkies who broke the glass on my grandparent's and uncle's grave for the second time to take a cheap floral arrangement. I'm thinking about my mother's childhood home, burnt, falling apart, with overgrown vegetation. I'm thinking of the snails we used to place on the hot concrete so they could come out.

No, I haven't thought about donating my hair to some fucking charity for kids with cancer. It never fucking occurred to me.

May 7, 2022 18:01

Here's some pieces of some long-form content I was working on. I don't know if I'll post the entire thing since it's very personal. It's also told from the perspective of my current self.

I'm not a victim. I used him for financial reasons. Losing my virginity wasn't a romantic thing, it was payment for the money he had spent for us to live together.

The last day we get breakfast at Mcdonalds, you could get a single plain hamburger for .80 cents. I drop him off at the airport and he cries. I cry a little too.

So great me, to meet someone online on 4chan, who is 6'2! Not only that but they are misanthropic like me and have a hard time fitting in. This person is a NEET but they have a degree and they are actually very smart. The "smartest" person I've ever met in my life! This person is an incel, an atheist, a nihilist.

May 3, 2022 3:52

I know there's been a lot of talk about toxic masculinity but I come from a culture that really romanticizes strength of body and mind and I feel like we need more of this.

May 2, 2022 4:25

I felt that I had been acting a bit unusual lately. Feeling chipper, punching myself in the face, playing the victim, masturbating multiple times per day, crying...it all comes down to a bit of oxidated blood coming out of my cunt.

May 1, 2022 20:16

I was sitting outside in today's very humid weather with a luke warm cup of coffee. I have hyperhidrosis so the sweat is dripping from my hands and pooling in the oversized rubbery sandals I'm wearing. Tits hanging half way out, hoping a neighbor doesn't catch a glimpse of me. The cigarette's filter is uncomfortably wet from sweat when I bring it to my lips. I've smoked a lot lately, it feels like a lot of effort to suck. All the while, flies stop for a break on my face and armpits reminding me of my offensive body odor.

April 27, 2022 04:33

These days I feel intense rage whenever I see people that appear content.

"When they left the store I followed them to their car and splashed my coffee all over them. The boy yelled at me and I quickly ran away in fear. I was panicking as I got into my car and drove off, shaking with rage‚Äźfueled excitement. " - Elliot

April 15, 2022 06:38

I had a special happening today. I went out to eat burgers with my partner and while my partner was in the restroom the waiter brought our food. He noticed and told me he liked the way I had organized my pepper packets into 3 piles of 4. He then proceeded to carefully stack each container of ketchup vertically on the table. He pointed out my Naruto t-shirt and asked me if I had seen the whole series. I said yes, and asked if he was watching Boruto. I told him I dropped the series recently and he said it was starting to get good again. He was about my height, fit, a little awkward, kind of cute and looked at me in the eyes. He also wore a necklace with a silver cross. On the way out, he looked in the eyes again and told me to have a good night.

I know I have a partner but I can't get over how flattered I feel. I had my glasses on so I don't think he could tell I was older than him and that my skin was peeling. I wish we could talk more. I want to ask him who his favorite characters in Naruto and Boruto are. I feel like a stalker for wanting to call his place of employment and ask them to please put him on the phone.

I often feel like an undesirable freak/female neckbeard so this was a very pleasant experience. Recently, two memories of when I was growing up have come to me. In pre-kindergarten, there was a pretty girl who I wanted to get close to but she made a face of disgust when I tried to. The second memory was when I was in 6th grade and my friends told a boy I had a crush on him (I did), he also made a face of disgust. Was there something off-putting about me? Anyway, I feel very happy about today. Truly, a great start to the Easter break. I'm fantasizing about his (possibly) virgin angst and whether he's willing to bend his Christian morals. Looking at each other in the eyes felt intense and I could feel this weird sense of attraction in my body.

April 11, 2022 05:02

It hurts to realize that you are an incredibly ignorant person.

In the last few months, I've had the opportunity to come into (virtual) contact with people from different states and even countries. I have even had the chance to learn a bit about their personal lives. Meeting these people has led me to re-evaluate the way I see myself, the people I know, my values, etc..

I grew up in a low income area with a lot of "stupid" people. I was made to believe that I was "gifted" by several of my teachers. Now, on the eve of almost being 30, it hurts to realize that bar was set so low. These were teachers who couldn't get a job in a better school district or needed to teach at some low-income area to cover their college debt. The majority of students in my school couldn't read/write at their grade level, including me. I remember having to return "The Great Gatsby" to the library as a high school junior because I had a hard time reading it. I am very self-conscious of my background. I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable outside our "little town". Will I always look down on myself?

March 27, 2022 04:04

I've given in to all my bullshit.

I have a list of excuses. I completely forgot what it was I was setting out to accomplish a month ago. I think I was doing it for my health (because I sounded like shit) but I'm not sure I care about it anymore.

March 19, 2022 08:22

I wonder if this is a female thing but it's weird how your alcohol metabolism seems to change week after week. Some weeks I can't finish a bottle of wine and some weeks I feel about the same as when I started drinking.

It would be nice to know ahead of time so I could buy the appropriate amount of alcohol to feel "drunk".

P.S. What the hell is Coheed and Cambria talking about? I like the sound but I don't think I follow any of the lyrics. Are they too deep for me?

March 16, 2022 04:15

I really regret lending out things when I was younger. I feel like such a fool. If I could find the cunt who I lent my copy of Battle Royale to.

What a great cover! (2003)

March 15, 2022 04:35

I was a bit shocked to see myself in the mirror today. Over the last few years, I have come to look (and smell) like a neckbeard.

I never met Chad with glasses but would he be interested in someone like me?

March 12, 2022 01:23

I feel so petty. This whole cravings should go down with time is not happening and I've been acting like a cunt. I was actually always a cunt but now I'm a sadder cunt.

I'm on constant edge and I can't focus. I've been doing a shit job at work too because I can't listen to anything anyone is saying. (Maybe I was always this shitty?) It really hurts to know you are an incompetent piece of shit who has no interests and isn't good at anything. Am I doing this on purpose? Am I putting on this fucking struggle to get what I want? I'm the only one stopping me. This is all self-inflected. I told myself it was because I found myself living only for the next time I could drink alcohol and chain smoking. I know that's wrong and I didn't like the way it prevented from trying to achieve some goals in my life but god...what do those things even mean to me now?


I've calmed down now.


Imagine you are about to reach for a fruit on the counter and this tiny gnome like creature, about an 3cm tall, is hiding in the fruit basket. Reality collapses around you and every sound seems to be coming out of your ear rather than in.


Is bleeding from your cunt supposed to be this fucking wild?

March 10, 2022 04:38

I made some sponge cupcakes today with cake flour, sugar that supposebly expired last year and eggs that "expired" last week. I will feed these cupcakes to unsuspecting victims.

March 08, 2022 04:10

I almost gave in today. I'll probably give in at some point but in the meantime below is a list of some of the benefits I've experienced since I smoked my last cigarette (21 days).

March 05, 2022 05:25

I shouldn't be writing when I feel so down. It's similar to drunk texting once you sober up.

March 02, 2022 04:15

Why is it always just one more? One more cigarette, one more glass, one more slice.

March 01, 2022 04:09

I felt the need to clarify to my coworkers that I meant feat as in f-e-a-t and not feet. No one seemed to smile or laugh.

In other news: I started watching Goblin Slayer last night and I'm really enjoying it! I also made some hamburgers for dinner with these homemade baked french fries and flavored mayonnaise. Dinner was satisfying except for all the dishes.

February 27, 2022 16:56

It's been about 12 and half days since I last smoked a cigarette. The first day felt demonic and the rest of the days have varied. The intensity of cravings are not a downward slope but more like an oscillating wave. I have found that exercising allows me to keep the edge off the best. I have been able to push myself to perform harder than before and my heart no longer feels like it's going to pump out of my throat. I have around 2 extra hours every day! (2 hours I used to spend chain smoking and mindlessly refreshing Google News).

I still have some sticky phlegm but I no longer wake up in the middle of the night to cough. When I read that last line, I feel a bit ridiculous defending my dirty habit. How can I justify something like that? But I find myself doing it and a voice inside tells me that it's okay. That my body has healed so much in such short time and that the damage done couldn't possibly have been much. The last few days I have been thinking about addiction and how one cannot reach a higher level of consciousness while addicted to a substance. It controls you...even when your throat and lungs feel sore from a handful of chain smoking sessions...you reach for another one.